Confused, confused, confused. That is what I am. Who am
I? I don’t even recognize myself. Over the last few
months God has been dealing with me, exposing my inner
self. Consumed with fear, self doubt, and full of self
hatred, I did not realize how messed up I was. Then God
stripped me of my layers of pretense.
I am
a poet, song writer and an aspiring children’s writer.
For years I had been told that my poems, stories, and
songs were good, but I never believed it. I feared they
were not good enough, and each rejection notice
confirmed this belief.
In
January of this year, I wrote His song entitled, “As you
see me.” It spoke of the way the Lord saw me,
successful, with faith untamed and power to effect
change, full of hope and endless possibilities. The
song spoke of His ability to order my steps and direct
my path if I would but seek Him first. But only if my
eyes were closed, was I able to see myself the way He
saw me. Once I opened my eyes I saw myself through my
own eyes.
I saw
Michelle the failure, the woman who messed up a lot in
life, who allowed her stress to destroy her, the over
weight wife and mom of two. I saw Michelle the rejected
writer, the unpublished poet, the “wanna be” songwriter.
I saw Michelle and I was disgusted. How could God see
me with faith, power, and possibilities when all I saw
was the rejections, the disbelief and the shame of my
past?
A
month or so later, I entered an international song
writers’ contest with a song from God the “Battle is
Won.” I knew my chances of winning were slim to none.
Why did I even try?
Waiting for the results of the contest, I ministered to
myself through the songs God had inspired me to write. I
sang songs of encouragement that I remembered from my
youth “God answers prayers in the morning” and “Jesus,
Jesus there is something about His name.” Each song
confirmed Gods faithfulness, His desire to bless, the
hope that only He can give. Trying to understand what
God wanted me to do with my life. Why wouldn’t He tell
me?
Demoted from my supervisory position, I could no longer
cope with the negative happenings on the job and was
forced to leave. As if pushing me to my limits, on my
youngest son’s fourth birthday, I was diagnosed with
Fibromyalgia (a chronic condition characterized by
fatigue and pain in multiple areas of the body). My
world caved in. I felt alone and confused. Why was God
doing this to me when I had done nothing but try and
follow His lead?
One
day, in bitterness and despair, I read Micah 6-7 from my
Bible. I began to glimpse that I was on a journey
toward healing. He had a plan; it was not about my
disease, my success or failure, but my inner heart and
soul. First, He had gotten my attention, and then He
isolated me unto Himself. Away from work, pressure,
stress I began to listen.
Accustomed to working, it was difficult for me to stay
home and not earn a pay check. The bills came in
faithfully like clock work. The full burden of providing
for our family fell on my husband. Just when guilt and
shame over my inability to help carry the financial load
consumed me, God stepped in as only He could do.
My
job advanced me several sick days resulting in paychecks
for a few more weeks. The disability coverage I had
unwillingly purchased in 2002 provided aid as I was
unable to work. My husband and I received a check from
our home owners insurance as it seemed we had over
paid. We were notified by the U.S. Department of
Housing & Urban Development (HUD) that they were holding
funds from when we refinanced our home. The Lord moved
the hearts of my family to give us financial assistance,
which allowed us to keep our children in daycare. This
gave me time to learn to cope with my illness. Over and
over, God demonstrated His faithfulness in my life and
that of my family.
As He
reassured me of who I was, I was given assignments to
fulfill. I needed to forgive those who had wronged me.
He wanted me to do what was right in spite of what
others were doing or had done. I would have to put aside
pride, clear my soul and mind of the idols that I had
replaced Him with, fear, self absorption, my job,
finances and earthly possessions. He wanted me to walk
humbly before Him.
My
journey was only a beginning. Life's roller coaster
continued. The song I submitted to the contest came in
as a finalist. I was consumed with joy. The next day I
fell into the pits of despair. Discounting the
importance of such an achievement, I belittled the fact
that God had sent me a message. After all, only one of
the ten I’d submitted had won. I struggled to look at
the positive instead of chastising myself. Little by
little, I came to understand He was speaking to me,
giving me the message I desired. He is faithful, His
word is truth and the battle is His. I needed to listen
with my heart instead of my head.
Today, I still struggle to see myself the way He sees
me. I practice behavioral modification, reconditioning
negative thoughts into positive ones. I acknowledge that
God gave me my talent.
In
Genesis, the Bible says that all things He created are
“good.” He created me and filled me with His gifts and
they are good.
I
work daily on loving myself. God is faithful, shows
mercy and blesses out of His overwhelming love for us.
How can I hate myself when He loves me? And if I love
Him, I have to love myself.
Micah
6:8 (New Living Translation), “… O people the Lord has
already told you what is good, and this is what He
requires: to do what is right, love mercy and walk
humbly with your God.”
1
John
4: 8, “…anyone who does not love does not know God-for
God is love.”
