A wise man that is also my Pastor, Mike Farra, recently said that Christmas is the time in which everything that was already there during the year is exaggerated even more.  

In the case of blended families this is very true.

 The feelings of a person being replaced, neglected, left out or not as special that were there year long, hit the holidays like a ton of ice, dampening the enthusiasm of the celebration.  

It is true that this time of year is when the good, the bad and the petty come to surface.  It is most often in this time of year that we see things or experience things that make us feel that all is not fair in this time of our lives. 

Because of the natural anatomy of most divorces, problems and conflicts are not resolved and simply the ill feelings that were in the marriage continue past the end of the marriage.   These problems are then further exacerbated when one or both spouses remarriage, when there are additional children, and when the social circumstances change.  

During the holidays, a time traditionally respected as bringing together the ones you love under one roof, is often a time where a former spouse feels the most hurt and when children are torn between what was, what is and what is to come.

 Like it or not, children’s actions and attitudes are tiny mirrors of the attitudes and influences of the adults around them.   If they feel as if they have to choose between the love of their parents, they will act in the bitterness of their feelings and create an atmosphere of criticism and will fuss and complain at anything that reminds them of what they don’t have and won’t have with their original family – their parents.   

To keep peace it is our job to make certain that we are not sending mixed messages to our child.  

When our children are involved in celebrations we need to respect our child and their time with the other family.   

We do not have a right to call them, frequently or infrequently,  even under the guise of maternal or paternal love, care and concern, and get information about our former spouse or what is going on.  A parent who does these actions, struggles with control – letting a child out of their realm of influence and also the parent struggles with insecurity – feelings of being abandoned by the child and replaced by other adults in their child’s life.   Unfortunately, this type of hovering causes our children to feel guilty about their own joy and the joy of others.   It sabotages the basic emotions and happiness of our child, creating in them the external struggle to act out and behave badly to avoid the inner struggles pain, hurt, and despair from consuming them.    To keep peace we need to develop a strong bond of trust and love with our child, both of which are based upon our trust in God and the fact that God loves our child enough to watch over them when we cannot.

We do not have a right to expect our children to meet adult needs of companionship.   So often, in single parent homes, instead of the adult getting out and volunteering, meeting and interacting in healthy ways with members of adult society, they use the neediness and closeness of the child to compensate for a lack of healthy peer relationships.  The child becomes the parent’s best friend and mentor, hearing more of the parent’s adult thoughts and emotions than which a child is capable of emotionally handling.  This places a burden on the child to fix the situation by being the sacrificial lamb making certain that mom/dad is happy, safe, content, and feels loved no matter what the social and emotional cost to the child.   When holiday times come and the child has to go to another environment where this demand is no longer on them, or perhaps is on them from the other parent/family, the child feels guilty at their “freedom”.   They struggle with celebrating when their other parent is “not” able to celebrate because the child is not there.   To keep peace, we need to make certain that we are filling up our time with activities that show our child that we are not pining away for them and that they too can celebrate the seasons of life that God gave us with - or without - us.

Although we might miss not having our child with us at Christmas, our true love for our child is not shown by drowning in our grief and expression of sorrow but in our gift of living extravagantly in joy, peace and hope in our every day life in honor of our child.  This is true even if we don’t feel like it.   As a dear friend of mine often says “Fake joy is better than real depression.”

We do not have right to make Christmas a competition.    So often in blended families there is a potential to look at what the other parent does or does not do and to criticize this in front of the child.   This is wrong.  Not only does scripture teach us to not compare ourselves among ourselves, we are also very clearly told that every good and perfect gift comes down from God.   

When we begin to compete with the other parent we create manipulative and greedy children who lack character in the areas of contentment and graciousness.   We cancel Christmas for our child with our unChrist-like behavior.  When we criticize the gifts of others we disable our children’s natural spirit of generosity – they begin to hesitate to give for fear of not pleasing us.   We destroy their innocence and natural expression by setting the example that it is not enough to receive and be thankful, but we should all expect to get exactly what we want, when we want it, and if we don’t, then we are “not loved” and have the “right” to fuss about it.    What a sorrow-filled existence that brings to our child, when life presents the true picture and because of our attitude, our child cannot give praise or be content!

 To keep peace in our child’s life, we need to teach them about God, and how it is through God’s resources given to the child and to others, that everything the child needs is given to the child from God no matter who else is listed on the gift tag as the giver.

 Our children do not need to hear our criticisms, but our praise and gratitude.   In expressing thanks, we actively teach that every good gift indeed comes from God.   

This Christmas, as I with my family, I hope that you are able to keep the peace and remember Christmas is about Christ: His love, His example and His ultimate gift to us.