Teenage Mutants

 by Ashtyn Chalmers

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”    

                            Ephesians 6: 1-3 

One of my favorite saying goes something like this, “being the parent of a teenager makes me realize why some animals eat their young.”  Being the mother of two teenagers, I’ve learned there are only three things important to a teenager; how they look, who their friends are, and how their friends think they look. 

While a daughter is high maintenance, a son barely exists.  When taking a bath, teenage girls use two towels, one for them and one for their hair, a washcloth, a loufah sponge and a pumice stone.  They need bath oils, perfumes, conditioners, moisturizers, special soaps, makeup remover, toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, dental floss, manicure sets, facial masks, hair dryers, curling irons, heat rollers, eyelash curlers and makeup.  Boys don’t even use soap, and they dry off with their underwear. 

Girls are prissy, giggly and demure.  Boys make disgusting noises with their entire bodies and drool spit from their lips to see how long it takes to reach their sleeping sister’s forehead.  They antagonize the snot out of each other and leave you wondering what you were thinking when you decided to procreate.

Teenagers have a tendency to forget things, like phone messages.

“Did anyone call?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, yeah, someone called but I don’t remember who it was.”

“Was it a man or woman?”

“I don’t know.”

“You couldn’t tell if it was male or female?”

“I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Did you actually pick the phone up when it rang?”

“Well yeah.”

“Who’d they ask for?”

“I don’t remember.”

“What did they want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why didn’t you write the message down?”

“I didn’t have any paper or pen.”

“How long have you lived in this house?  You know where ever pen, pencil and crayon is.”

“I forgot.”

“What are you brain dead?” 

They want you to trust them to remember not to smoke, drink or do drugs but they can’t remember where they left their shoes.  They want to be allowed to drive a 2,000 pound vehicle but can’t remember to flush the toilet or turn out the lights when they leave a room.   

While discussing spiritual gifts one evening, my husband said our daughter thinks her gift is our credit card.  In trying to teach our children to be good stewards with their money, we made each of our kids open a checking account with money from their savings.  We found they wanted less when they had to use their own money. 

Teenagers today are no different from teenagers of the 70‘s or even the 50’s.  They’re trying to grow up and “find” themselves.  And since they can’t ever find their keys, wallets or favorite shirts, it takes them a while to complete this process.  They’re trying to unattach themselves from mom and dad.  We’re the ones who have a problem with it.    

Our children’s behavior is such a barometer on us as parents that we stroke out when they are less than perfect because they make us look bad.  Being consistent with children is one of the most difficult parts of parenting.  The only thing my husband and I were ever insistent, persistent and consistent with was our demand that their behavior be appropriate and acceptable.  You have to know which battles are worth pursuing and which are worth ignoring.       

We have really been blessed by God with two great, well mannered, fun loving kids who love to hate each other and drive us crazy.  But they know the Lord and I know He will bring them around.  I just pray my husband and I can survive until then.