In most cases, an inevitable part of being a stepmom is encountering and dealing with your stepchildren’s mother. It can be easy to dislike her. After all, she may have caused your partner a great deal of anguish. She may be emotionally unhealthy and cause your stepchildren pain. In some cases, she's just too darn nice - and you certainly aren't expecting that. In other cases, she may disregard your boundaries and interfere with your family's new life.

In the early days of my new life as a stepmom, my stepchildren’s mother was reeling from a broken engagement. Trying to cope, she focused on her social life, often neglecting her children. She ran a string of men through their lives. I found myself consumed with concern for my stepchildren. My concern quickly morphed into anger and a desire to rescue them.

IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE...

Luckily, I kept my mouth shut within earshot of my stepchildren. I know that the fastest way for my husband and I to alienate any of our kids (two mine, three his) is to badmouth their other parents. So, I bloodied my tongue with clenched teeth and did my best to be polite. It’s possible my body language did not always match my words (or silence), but I did my best.

Over the next year, my stepchildren’s mom got herself back on track. I was filled with relief and gratitude, yet couldn’t let go of all my resentments and self-righteous anger.

I knew I was only hurting myself and had to forgive my husband’s ex-wife for the pain and worry she had caused. But forgiveness is a process, so it took some time. Along the way, I read an article written by the CoMamas.* They helped me put myself in the other mother’s shoes and focus on our common love for the same children.

I'M NOT IN THIS ALONE - I'VE GOT A COMAMA

Soon, I had several opportunities for choosing either the high road or the low road with my comama, one of which was the First Communion celebration for my youngest stepdaughter. She attended church and prepared for this occasion with our stepfamily. We invited her mom to the big event, and I was grateful, for my stepdaughter's sake, when her mom accepted the invitation.

At our church, part of the ceremony involves the child carrying a basket of Easter flowers to the altar, flanked on each side by a parent. Siblings, grandparents, and other relatives are invited to participate by following directly behind the celebrant.

My husband and I invited my stepdaughter's mom to join the procession (in the second row). She was outraged and told my husband that I had no right to be the one walking next to their daughter. When this was relayed to me, my martyr hat flew to my head, and I was indignant. After all, my husband and I were the ones, in fact the only ones, who had taken her to church, attended all the preparation classes with her, and helped her practice.

By the time the big day arrived, Mom had apologized, saying she’d be honored to join the procession. At the appropriate time, we all lined up peacefully at the back of the church. As the music began and we walked down the aisle, it suddenly felt wrong, very wrong, that my stepdaughter's mother was walking behind me. She had birthed, nursed, and rocked this beautiful child beside me. Regardless of the mistakes she may have made along the way, she loved her daughter.

Without realizing what I was doing, I reached behind me, and guided my comama to stand beside me. “You belong up here, too,” I heard myself say, and walked the rest of the way with my arm around her. I could feel her body shaking, and my heart went out to her. It had never occurred to me that she might be nervous.

OUR CHILDREN ARE THE WINNERS

Since that day, we’ve shared many more comama occasions: school plays, dance recitals and soccer games. And each time, I get to choose my attitude and behavior. While we are extremely different people, and I still don’t always agree with her mothering choices, I respect her and treat her that way. And in situations where she could have taken either the high or low road with me, she’s chosen the high road and treated ME with respect. Recently, she even sought my advice on a decision she faced regarding her children.

The children are the real winners when comamas treat each other with respect. They can relax and enjoy one of the greatest benefits of stepfamily life: more people to love them and celebrate their milestones. At functions where all the parents attend, our children don’t have to worry about uncomfortable scenes or taking sides.

Soon, I’ll get to step a little deeper into my comama’s shoes. Next week, my ex-husband is getting remarried. My children will gain a stepmom, and I’ll gain another comama!

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* The CoMamas, Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn, with Marjorie Vego Krausz, Ed.D., M.F.T., are authors of "STEPWIVES: 10 Steps to help ex-wives and stepmothers end the struggle and put the kids first."

© 2004-2005  Kelly Kirkendoll Shafer