A Season of Sorrow in Surviving the Blender

Remembering What Was and Rejoicing in What Is

By Wendy Stewart-Hamilton

I stared at the date on the calendar.  

A part of me laughed inside.  “You have to be kidding me” I thought, amazed that the date had almost passed as just any other day.  It almost passed. 

Then the other part of me felt the shame and the flush of emotions as I watched the “tough years” of my life swirl in fast motion inside of my head.  Rapid scenes of betrayal, tears, and a divorce decree signed the day after Christmas, and then today – what would have been my anniversary – left me bewildered like others who have been divorced or are in blended families and are trekking along and hit a speed bump.  It is jarring.  It is disturbing.  However, every remembrance has a reason.   

Psychologists have said that it takes at least two years for the majority of us who have experienced a divorce to get over the emotions that edge the borders of sadness and despair and depression.   The experts say that it takes at least two years for the raw endings of sorrow to be smoothed into a momentary ache.  After those two years, experts say that these bad days become a tiny glitch leading us to reflect briefly on our past life in what would otherwise be “just another day”. 

All of us have those special days from the relationship that was.   Sometimes it is the date of our wedding or our engagement anniversaries.  At other times it is remembering that special Christmas, or the birth of a child, or some good time where everything seemed to fit the model of our best or ideal life.   

At these thoughtful times and moments when we question the “why”, being part of a blended family feels like being in the blender with the blades rotating at high speed, pureeing our insides to mush leaving us more “bleeding” than blending.  

However, even in this place, at this moment, we find grace. 

God has prepared us for this pain and gives peace.  

God has motivated us to move on past this memory. 

God has a reason for our reflection.  

He has a design for us that will lead us to rejoicing.  

To survive these special days of former years there are a few tips for us: 

Slow down 

As we allow ourselves to take the time to say “Yes, that was my past.  Yes, it was painful.  Yes, at times it was good.  Yes, at times it was bad.”  We are giving ourselves the right to accept what was, recognize that we cannot change what was and to work with what we have in the present.   

We are recognizing that the bad days and the good days were just part of a season of our life.  

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:  

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

Acknowledging the past for what it was allows us to remain in the present for what is and look forward to the future for what is to come.  

Smile

Smiling can change our entire mood.  A big smile relaxes the muscles in our face and our necks and spreads warmth throughout our shoulders, through our chests and across our arms.  A smile can change you and it can change a stress-filled situation.

Someone once said “grin and bear it” and while this image is often characterized by images of gritting teeth, furrowed brows and some sort of sub-human endurance without happiness, true “grinning and bearing it” involves much more that clenched jaws and grinding teeth.  It involves smiling and contentment

To really grin and bear it is to smile and be overwhelmed with happiness at accepting that God has his hand on our lives and notices every step with take.

Paul in 1 Timothy 6:6 tells us that “Godliness with contentment is great gain”.   Paul goes onto say that we brought nothing into this world and we will take nothing out of it.

As we think about that, the matters of the divorce and the short end of the stick we may have received, the things we lost or gave up, the things that were taken from us – are put into the proper perspective and are all trivial.  They become unimportant, because we have everything that is necessary for an inspired life.

We have who we are and we have God.

Savor the Season

When the memories of what were come back to us; we need to savor them.  We need to hold them long enough in our thoughts to identify the important information and then let them go and let God move and work and further blend our families and improve our lives.

God uses our past to help us in our present and our future. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  

– Jeremiah 29:11-12 (NIV)

God wants us to trust him.   He wants us to come to him in prayer and turn over any pain and anger we have within the memory. 

When we return to our place of prayer asking God to guide us through the memories; God exchanges and gives us prosperity, hope and a future in place of our failure, pain and anger.

Letting go of the negatives of the past, allows us to see the positive impact that our past has on our present.

We can look at our failed marriage and ask ourselves if we are doing everything possible to ensure the success of our new marriage and the blending of our blended family.

Are we being fair to our spouses?

Our children? Our stepchildren?

Do we meet their needs? 

Are we content with our lives or are we being critical or showing disappointment?

God designed this season of our life for a reason.  He put the speed bump of this memory in our lives for a purpose.

As we remember what we came from, we can rejoice that God has bigger, better, more beautiful things in store for our lives.  He has a good work that he started from a bad situation and he is going to continue the good work.

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ

- Philippians 1:6 (KJV)

Instead of viewing the memory as one step to an end – we should recognize that it was one step to a new beginning and be thankful to God for the memory.  We should grin with the biggest smile we have and bear it with grace. 

When the memories come, instead of approaching this season with sorrow; rejoice.  Because we know that all things are working together in our life for good and for the glory of God, We can smile when we remember a tough moment, the person who hurt us or the situation that angered us and simply say:

I thank my God every time I remember you.