Holiday Tug of War

 by Beth Vogt

I’m spread all over the parenting spectrum with children ages twenty-three, twenty, eighteen, and a much-younger six-year-old. Having an almost-empty nest and a very-much-at-home kindergartner creates a family tug of war during the holidays. I lasso my three oldest children with one hand. Grab my kindergartner with my other hand. Then pull, pull, pull—trying to establish as much family togetherness as I can during the holidaze.

            It was easier to make holidays all about family when my first three children were younger because they were close in age. Together, the five of us decorated the tree or watched must-see movies like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or It’s a Wonderful Life. Now Josh, Katie Beth and Amy move in and out of my holiday preparations. We connect with Josh, who lives in New York City, via cell phone or instant messaging on the computer. Katie Beth moved into her own apartment several months ago. She makes occasional stops at home to visit with me, her dad and little sister—and maybe wash a load of laundry or two. Even Amy, who technically still lives at home, is more of a maybe-she’s-here-maybe-she’s-not presence.

            Meanwhile Christa’s days are anchored to home. We’re in the “What are we going to do today?” phase of her life. Christa is all about playing with neighborhood friends, cuddling on the couch and reading books, or coloring pictures to tape on my pantry door.

            How can the holidays be about family when my three oldest children are establishing their own lives and Christa’s life is firmly established at home?

Maintain long-standing traditions, but create new ones too

We still hang the kids’ stockings on the mantle and play the same Christmas music that Josh, Katie Beth and Amy grew up with. Christa’s newer handmade ornaments are mixed in with her siblings’ faded ones. And all my children expect to find new books under the tree and ribbon candy in their stockings.

But our holidays can’t be only about what we’ve always done. Just last year we decided a twenty-year tradition needed a twist. When Josh was a rambunctious two-year-old, he and his dad constructed a cardboard and aluminum foil star. For the past two decades, Josh had the honor of placing the star on top of our tree.

Once Josh graduated from college, I wasn’t certain he’d make it home for Christmas. When it came time to decorate the Christmas tree, I put his special box of ornaments, along with the now-tattered star, off to the side. It didn’t feel right for me to hang his handmade, beaded candy cane or his whale ornament, much less the star.

 Then last year, Amy suggested that Christa put the star on our tree. At first I balked at changing our long-standing custom. Then I realized I’d rather adapt the tradition than see it slowly fade away. That year, Josh handed the star to Katie Beth and then Katie Beth handed it to Amy and Amy handed it to an eagerly awaiting Christa. As her dad lifted her up to put the star in place, our family embraced a new tradition.

Focus on anticipation, not expectations

Holidays are wrapped up in expectations. I eagerly wait for family and friends to come over for Christmas dinner. I sneak glances at the brightly wrapped presents piled under the tree and look forward to singing “Silent Night” during Christmas Eve service.

            However, my young adult children are teaching me what all parents must learn: Treasured family customs change as children grow up.

Blended families or families experiencing a military deployment or a divorce also face unmet expectations during the holiday season. Even if things can’t be done the way they always have been, it’s important to create joy during the holidays.

It’s unrealistic to expect this year to be the same as it was in the past. Yes, I prefer my children to be home for the holidays. But as a former military family, I know that doesn’t always happen. Early in my husband’s career, we celebrated not one but two Christmases in Turkey. Most of our holidays were spent without grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.

This year Josh landed a job on the east coast. Months ago I wondered if his new-man-on-the-job status would prevent him for being home for the holidays.  He’ll manage not quite 72 hours at home for Thanksgiving—and only slightly longer for Christmas. I had a choice: Cry over not having my son home to decorate the tree or choose to enjoy the time we will have together.

Ask the older kids to help bridge the distance between the younger ones

I don’t have to be the only one trying to make the holidays memorable. This year I asked Josh, Katie Beth and Amy to suggest ways they can create special memories for Christa. They came up with some wonderful ways to celebrate the season with their sister. Their ideas were all the more special because I wasn’t telling them what to do.

Both girls plan on taking Christa out shopping for Christmas presents. (Not surprisingly, shopping wasn’t high on Josh’s list!) Amy suggested a visit to a popular ice cream parlor in town, while Katie Beth said Christa could help her find a “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree for her apartment. And during his quick trip home, Josh will find time to read aloud some favorite books or watch Frosty the Snowman, one of his all-time favorite movies, with Christa.

Holding the holidays with open hands

As the years go by, my family is changing more and more. Our family will expand to include my children’s spouses and, one day, their children. Family for Christa will include nieces and nephews. It won’t always be easy to change the way we’ve celebrated the holidays. Traditions become like family heirlooms passed down from generation to generation.

            But I’ve decided to not fall into an emotional tug of war about the holidays. My hope is that I hold our family customs with open hands. My treasured memories are tucked away in my heart. I plan on embracing the new ones that will develop as my family continues to change. I’ll hold the past in my heart—and I’ll open my hands to grasp the future.